Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
