Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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