take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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