So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
