one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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