The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
