we made out on top of his cat.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
