I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
is that a dick in a sweater?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
