i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
