Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
