I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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