Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
