My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
