No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
