Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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