forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
