White coat. Heels.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
