i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
