Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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