I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
