fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
