I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
