apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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