Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
