The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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