Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
