it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She tied me up with her honor cords...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
