piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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