He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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