So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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