I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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