ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
