Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
