When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize