Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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