she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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