im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
