i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
