i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
