Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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