i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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