at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
