Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
