Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize