see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
