I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
