oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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