You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I am midnight drunk by noon
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
