she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This is the high leading the old right now
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
