I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
