I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dating After Heartbreak
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.