I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I look excited, but its just a facade.