Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
