I faked an abortion last night.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
