I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Randomize
