For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
