Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
