I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
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