my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
