my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
