i'm signing you up for texting rehab
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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